Have you ever wondered
what will happen if you didn't
push him away when he
tried to break the walls
built around you?
Have you ever wondered
what will happen next
if you didn't ignore him
when he said
his first 'Hello'?
Have you ever wondered
what will happen if
you didn't choose to bury
your memories with him
and just cherish them instead?
Have you ever wondered
what will happen if
you were just strong enough
to believe him when
he said he loved you?
Have you ever wondered
what will happen if
you gave yourself a chance
to speak out what was
inside your head?
Have you ever wondered
if he wondered
what those timid smiles
and sudden glances
ever mean to you?
Was it love? or was it loving?
Have you ever wondered
what will happen if
you just took 20 seconds
of insane courage to
to tell him that
you loved him too?
Have you ever wondered? Because I did. I always do.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
"Be careful what you love, and how you love," She said while looking into the vastness of the sky. It was a peaceful night and they were alone. Happy. Relaxed. Contented. Except for him, he had lots of questions, and he didn't know how to ask. Or where to start.
"You have to love in all the wrong ways." Now she's looking at him, right into the eyes of the man she loves. They were beautiful and radiant. Then she remembered, those were the same eyes she first fell in love with.
But he was not looking at her. His goddamn eyes were locked into the depth of the ocean and he enjoyed every roaring movement of the waves.
"And you have to do it in all the right ways." Now he's looking at her, confused. He's gotten all the courage now to tell her of the questions he was dying to ask, all this time.
"How is that even possible? To love you in all the wrong ways but in all the right ways? Can't I just love you, in easiest way possible, regardless if it's right or wrong? After all, it's not the way that we love that keeps us, but how hard we try to keep that love alive." The girl flashed a smile. They were getting into it. This was the thing she wanted him to know, the very thing she protected for years and years of truthful love and togetherness. Yet, it was just now that she got the right moment.
"It is. And you just did. You just loved me in all the wrong ways yet in the right ways. When I was talking to you and you weren't looking at me. But you heard me, you we're listening to me, right? What you have shown me is completely the opposite of what you're actually doing. And it does not pain me. It does not hurt me because I know, I know of all your intentions. And it makes me feel right. You know, love is not everything you see on the surface, but all the way through."
The boy's eyes flickered. And in that night, with all the stars glimmering above them, all his questions were answered. All at once.
A.V.B
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Heaps of the wind (Wandering thoughts 001)
Funny how I stare at people and objects sometimes, and wonder 'for what and why does this thing exist?' Only to realize that my ideas are puzzled by my own ignorance and curiosity. And then I go through the same thing again, trying to come down to one favorable judgement (so favorable that I, myself has nothing against it) and the realization of how things should have been and should be. So I created a kind of cup where I could pour all my fantasies into, and these are some erratic things I have concluded, I know everything I see and hear has its own way of telling me that every little piece makes the picture a whole.
1. To hate something doesn't mean you have to live without it.
For the past years, I have never, ever, even just once, liked the color pink. Because weakness, vulnerability and fragility comes right into my mind just by looking at it. And I didn't liked the idea of something delicate, as if it'll fall and break into pieces the moment you put your hands on it. But here's the twist, I own several things that are in shades of pink. Misinterpretations are out of the story. Me disliking this color is truly a fact, but inevitably, this color gives me this extraordinary feeling, I have no words to explain it though. Right then I know I also have this quality of being easily broken and damaged, and I've been dying to put up all my efforts just to become someone brave--to not shatter anytime when a disaster I could no longer handle comes.
And so then I knew, that the things you dislike the most become the things that you have to live with, because no matter what, they will remind you of the kind of person you have to become, and the kind that you should not.
2. You are my obsession.
In the middle of doing something either in broad daylight or at night, would you believe me if I say that you'd randomly appear in my mind, just out of the blue? For something I had never once called a possession, something I had once resent, something that had once put my life in the wrong line, how could you still give me the passion to love you endlessly? Is it even wrong? Because my friends say so.
Although my heart says it's the other way around.
3. Stop depriving yourself of the things you deserve.
I know I'm a mess. I always had the same boring flaws and anxieties I've been gnawing on for years. And I wander off to spit them out, sometimes trying to run away from it, and bury it all, somewhere in my heart where I could no longer re-live them. But due to some occurring chances, I meet different kinds of people in the process of wandering and exploring. And when I meet them, I try to convince myself that it's okay to welcome them into my life, to make a stranger have the right to become someone important. But then my subconsciousness says NO, just don't. Don't make him someone you can't live without, someone that matters, because simple. You're a mess. And a broken glass won't do any good. It will only hurt those who care to fix them. But try to think of it, what if I really did deserved to be fix? What if I truly deserve the hands, that has never been wounded before, to repair me, to put me back together, so I could serve my purpose once again, on the same hands who restored me?
4. Medicine, I think you're my first love.
To see photos of M.D's on the training, is undeniably overwhelming. I try so hard to stop the tears from coming off, because isn't it weird to cry over a photo of people you do not even know? I think the sudden shift of perspectives brought out a huge impact into my current life. This is the very first time I want something so badly, and the very first time I felt my entire mind, body and soul to unite, believe and stand with one desire. I wonder what life would be, and how every moment would make me feel if I were to live it with the the sick people. I think this is love; where all the passion, beauty and purpose came from.
I think medicine is truly my first love.
5. The significant other.
I think of the day we meet and I smile. Or have we ever met already? I don't know. I just keep on thinking how amazing it is, that now I already am loving you, without even knowing who you are. Oh dear, I hope you could turn all the pain into love, and all the sad days into a hopeful one. Wherever you are in this world, I just want to say we have a long way to go-let's replenish every moment we have and are going to have, soon, if God permits. Lastly, I just want to say you're the best. Don't ever, ever let others make you feel like you're worthless.
1. To hate something doesn't mean you have to live without it.
For the past years, I have never, ever, even just once, liked the color pink. Because weakness, vulnerability and fragility comes right into my mind just by looking at it. And I didn't liked the idea of something delicate, as if it'll fall and break into pieces the moment you put your hands on it. But here's the twist, I own several things that are in shades of pink. Misinterpretations are out of the story. Me disliking this color is truly a fact, but inevitably, this color gives me this extraordinary feeling, I have no words to explain it though. Right then I know I also have this quality of being easily broken and damaged, and I've been dying to put up all my efforts just to become someone brave--to not shatter anytime when a disaster I could no longer handle comes.
And so then I knew, that the things you dislike the most become the things that you have to live with, because no matter what, they will remind you of the kind of person you have to become, and the kind that you should not.
2. You are my obsession.
In the middle of doing something either in broad daylight or at night, would you believe me if I say that you'd randomly appear in my mind, just out of the blue? For something I had never once called a possession, something I had once resent, something that had once put my life in the wrong line, how could you still give me the passion to love you endlessly? Is it even wrong? Because my friends say so.
Although my heart says it's the other way around.
3. Stop depriving yourself of the things you deserve.
I know I'm a mess. I always had the same boring flaws and anxieties I've been gnawing on for years. And I wander off to spit them out, sometimes trying to run away from it, and bury it all, somewhere in my heart where I could no longer re-live them. But due to some occurring chances, I meet different kinds of people in the process of wandering and exploring. And when I meet them, I try to convince myself that it's okay to welcome them into my life, to make a stranger have the right to become someone important. But then my subconsciousness says NO, just don't. Don't make him someone you can't live without, someone that matters, because simple. You're a mess. And a broken glass won't do any good. It will only hurt those who care to fix them. But try to think of it, what if I really did deserved to be fix? What if I truly deserve the hands, that has never been wounded before, to repair me, to put me back together, so I could serve my purpose once again, on the same hands who restored me?
4. Medicine, I think you're my first love.
To see photos of M.D's on the training, is undeniably overwhelming. I try so hard to stop the tears from coming off, because isn't it weird to cry over a photo of people you do not even know? I think the sudden shift of perspectives brought out a huge impact into my current life. This is the very first time I want something so badly, and the very first time I felt my entire mind, body and soul to unite, believe and stand with one desire. I wonder what life would be, and how every moment would make me feel if I were to live it with the the sick people. I think this is love; where all the passion, beauty and purpose came from.
I think medicine is truly my first love.
5. The significant other.
I think of the day we meet and I smile. Or have we ever met already? I don't know. I just keep on thinking how amazing it is, that now I already am loving you, without even knowing who you are. Oh dear, I hope you could turn all the pain into love, and all the sad days into a hopeful one. Wherever you are in this world, I just want to say we have a long way to go-let's replenish every moment we have and are going to have, soon, if God permits. Lastly, I just want to say you're the best. Don't ever, ever let others make you feel like you're worthless.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
What do you wish for at 11:11?
Some people wish for a long lasting love to be finally reciprocated to them at 11:11. Well, I don't.
I wish for happy beginnings and to always stick on that, to never mind what the end actually brings. I wish for the good health of my family and everyone dear to me. I wish for a strong heart to accept what is inevitable, and the things that seem to be impossible. I wish for honest leaders to bravely rule the country, one day. I wish that poverty will be eradicated and I will no longer see hungry children wandering on the streets. I wish for more gentle souls to touch the hopeless ones. I wish for peace. For love and prosperity. I don't wish for you to stay on my side. The only thing I want is for you to live an entirely beautiful life, to be where you want to be. Lastly, I wish to be happy. That is the wish I make at 11:11.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Silence is an answer
I never heard silence quite this loud.
The silence I'm talking about, it screams and pierces like a substance so fatal I could hardly breathe. But someone once told me, that silence holds the most powerful words. How could that be? When all you could do is to wait and wait for what these words could possibly hold, how these words could possibly change your life forever. If some people died at the middle of the sentence, well I, I died at the beginning of your silence.
The silence I'm talking about, it screams and pierces like a substance so fatal I could hardly breathe. But someone once told me, that silence holds the most powerful words. How could that be? When all you could do is to wait and wait for what these words could possibly hold, how these words could possibly change your life forever. If some people died at the middle of the sentence, well I, I died at the beginning of your silence.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
The thing that pains you
Most of the time, you are your own flame of fire.
To pretend to be invasive or strong--both won't make you immune to pain. My brother once told me that everyone goes through some kind of pain, and sometimes you won't see it in their eyes, because they have swallowed every bit of it just to go through life's cruel reality and pretend everything is normal. I think of hunger, and I feel pain. I think of a failing grade, and I feel pain. I think of someone sick and dying and I feel pain. Truth is, pain is everywhere. It is a force of nature. But this thing, this thing that ruthlessly brings us down to our knees, is what makes us strong and burning. So have some fire. Be your own kind of flame. Swallow it until no amount of teardrops could ever break you again. After all, a fire that doesn't burn, never goes out.
To pretend to be invasive or strong--both won't make you immune to pain. My brother once told me that everyone goes through some kind of pain, and sometimes you won't see it in their eyes, because they have swallowed every bit of it just to go through life's cruel reality and pretend everything is normal. I think of hunger, and I feel pain. I think of a failing grade, and I feel pain. I think of someone sick and dying and I feel pain. Truth is, pain is everywhere. It is a force of nature. But this thing, this thing that ruthlessly brings us down to our knees, is what makes us strong and burning. So have some fire. Be your own kind of flame. Swallow it until no amount of teardrops could ever break you again. After all, a fire that doesn't burn, never goes out.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
How little life is
How little life is to feel sad?
To feel so horrified of the future? of what comes next?
To feel so desperate of the things we cannot have? things that are not meant for us?
To feel so scared? and terrified of one's greatness?
When I was riding the jeepney today, I could not resist the thoughts that suddenly came inside my mind. Everyday, we are striving so hard to be better. We are wishing that someday, we will become the best version of ourselves. And we have to remind ourselves that we have TO REACH that goal. To be greater than our former selves. I chose this path. I WILL FIGHT FOR THIS. I will finish the race no matter what. This is what I love. This is who I chose to be. The years are just numbers. They should not matter, because honestly, the truth is they do not matter at all. Time is just an illusion, a fantasy. Just do what you love. And love what you do. Do what satisfies your soul, do it, do it, DO IT. It is who you become in the process that matters. Not the result. Not the number of people who felt proud of you. Not the grades you get. It's who you are in the end that will MATTER. And you have to fight for it. Fight for WHO YOU ARE.
To feel so horrified of the future? of what comes next?
To feel so desperate of the things we cannot have? things that are not meant for us?
To feel so scared? and terrified of one's greatness?
When I was riding the jeepney today, I could not resist the thoughts that suddenly came inside my mind. Everyday, we are striving so hard to be better. We are wishing that someday, we will become the best version of ourselves. And we have to remind ourselves that we have TO REACH that goal. To be greater than our former selves. I chose this path. I WILL FIGHT FOR THIS. I will finish the race no matter what. This is what I love. This is who I chose to be. The years are just numbers. They should not matter, because honestly, the truth is they do not matter at all. Time is just an illusion, a fantasy. Just do what you love. And love what you do. Do what satisfies your soul, do it, do it, DO IT. It is who you become in the process that matters. Not the result. Not the number of people who felt proud of you. Not the grades you get. It's who you are in the end that will MATTER. And you have to fight for it. Fight for WHO YOU ARE.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Beautiful things to bargain
Why do I choose this?
I am so confused of who I am that I am willing to take this risk so I could find myself in the end.
So I could fix every broken filament in my entire being.
So I could mend my soul.
Sometimes I wonder if this world really belongs to me, or if I do really belong to this world because I just can't find my place. I look everywhere and all I could see is a blur reality. I have met different people from different walks of life and some brought out the best in me, in every aspect of my being. And there are also some who just passed by to show me the reflection of who I am because I could not even see it myself..
But meeting people do not solve everything.
It does not give me answers to my questions.
It just serves as a bridge so I could finally reach my goal.
I want to serve. I want to touch the lives of many people, strangers or not.
I want to become God's healing instrument and not just heal their bodies but also their tattered hearts.
I want to give hope to those that have lost their dreams and tell them there's more to life if we just live it.
That giving up is not an option and that we need to fight for what we love because this is what makes us, and this is who we are.
And this is what I love.
This is who I want to be.
This is what I want to live for the rest of my life.
And I didn't know love has its mysterious ways of telling you that it belongs to you no matter what or where you are in life. I never wished for this thing, I never desired for this kind of wanting.
It just came to me like a dream I could not control in my sleep, and slowly, without even knowing, I was drowning into it so badly that I do not want to wake up.
But this dream is real.
And every real thing has its own endless possibilities.
And I believe in that.
I believe one day this two letters, M.D, will be engraved next to my name.
And I will live life to how he wants me to live it, for his greater glory.
I believe God has a bigger purpose and I am willing to bargain long years of sleepless nights and heavy mornings just to become the best version of myself.
And I believe one day, everything will pay off in his perfect time.
So I could fix every broken filament in my entire being.
So I could mend my soul.
Sometimes I wonder if this world really belongs to me, or if I do really belong to this world because I just can't find my place. I look everywhere and all I could see is a blur reality. I have met different people from different walks of life and some brought out the best in me, in every aspect of my being. And there are also some who just passed by to show me the reflection of who I am because I could not even see it myself..
But meeting people do not solve everything.
It does not give me answers to my questions.
It just serves as a bridge so I could finally reach my goal.
I want to serve. I want to touch the lives of many people, strangers or not.
I want to become God's healing instrument and not just heal their bodies but also their tattered hearts.
I want to give hope to those that have lost their dreams and tell them there's more to life if we just live it.
That giving up is not an option and that we need to fight for what we love because this is what makes us, and this is who we are.
And this is what I love.
This is who I want to be.
This is what I want to live for the rest of my life.
And I didn't know love has its mysterious ways of telling you that it belongs to you no matter what or where you are in life. I never wished for this thing, I never desired for this kind of wanting.
It just came to me like a dream I could not control in my sleep, and slowly, without even knowing, I was drowning into it so badly that I do not want to wake up.
But this dream is real.
And every real thing has its own endless possibilities.
And I believe in that.
I believe one day this two letters, M.D, will be engraved next to my name.
And I will live life to how he wants me to live it, for his greater glory.
I believe God has a bigger purpose and I am willing to bargain long years of sleepless nights and heavy mornings just to become the best version of myself.
And I believe one day, everything will pay off in his perfect time.
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