Heaps of the wind (Wandering thoughts 001)

Funny how I stare at people and objects sometimes, and wonder 'for what and why does this thing exist?' Only to realize that my ideas are puzzled by my own ignorance and curiosity. And then I go through the same thing again, trying to come down to one favorable judgement (so favorable that I, myself has nothing against it) and the  realization of how things should have been and should be. So I created a kind of cup where I could pour all my fantasies into, and these are some erratic things I have concluded,  I know everything I see and hear has its own way of telling me that every little piece makes the picture a whole.


1. To hate something doesn't mean you have to live without it.

For the past years, I have never, ever, even just once, liked the color pink. Because weakness, vulnerability and fragility comes right into my mind just by looking at it. And I didn't liked the idea of something delicate, as if it'll fall and break into pieces the moment you put your hands on it. But here's the twist, I own several things that are in shades of pink. Misinterpretations are out of the story. Me disliking this color is truly a fact,  but inevitably, this color gives me this extraordinary feeling, I have no words to explain it though. Right then I know I also have this quality of being easily broken and damaged, and I've been dying to put up all my efforts just to become someone brave--to not shatter anytime when a disaster I could no longer handle comes.

And so then I knew, that the things you dislike the most become the things that you have to live with, because no matter what, they will remind you of the kind of person you have to become, and the kind that you should not.

2. You are my obsession.

In the middle of doing something either in broad daylight or at night, would you believe me if I say that you'd randomly appear in my mind, just out of the blue? For something I had never once called a possession,  something I had once resent, something that had once put my life in the wrong line, how could you still give me the passion to love you endlessly? Is it even wrong? Because my friends say so.

Although my heart says it's the other way around.

3. Stop depriving yourself of the things you deserve.

I know I'm a mess. I always had the same boring flaws and anxieties I've been gnawing on for years. And I wander off to spit them out, sometimes trying to run away from it, and bury it all, somewhere in my heart where I could no longer re-live them. But due to some occurring chances, I meet different kinds of people in the process of wandering and exploring. And when I meet them, I try to convince myself that it's okay to welcome them into my life, to make a stranger have the right to become someone important. But then my subconsciousness says NO, just don't. Don't make him someone you can't live without, someone that matters, because simple. You're a mess. And a broken glass won't do any good. It will only hurt those who care to fix them. But try to think of it, what if I really did deserved to be fix? What if I truly deserve the hands, that has never been wounded before, to repair me, to put me back together, so I could serve my purpose once again, on the same hands who restored me?

4. Medicine, I think you're my first love.

To see photos of M.D's on the training, is undeniably overwhelming. I try so hard to stop the tears from coming off, because isn't it weird to cry over a photo of people you do not even know? I think the sudden shift of perspectives brought out a huge impact into my current life. This is the very first time I want something so badly, and the very first time I felt my entire mind, body and soul to unite, believe and stand with one desire. I wonder what life would be, and how every moment would make me feel if I were to live it with the the sick people. I think this is love; where all the passion, beauty and purpose came from.

I think medicine is truly my first love.

5. The significant other.

I think of the day we meet and I smile. Or have we ever met already? I don't know. I just keep on thinking how amazing it is, that now I already am loving you, without even knowing who you are. Oh dear, I hope you could turn all the pain into love, and all the sad days into a hopeful one. Wherever you are in this world, I just want to say we have a long way to go-let's replenish every moment we have and are going to have, soon, if God permits. Lastly, I just want to say you're the best. Don't ever, ever let others make you feel like you're worthless.

What do you wish for at 11:11?

Some people wish for a long lasting love to be finally reciprocated to them at 11:11. Well, I don't.

I wish for happy beginnings and to always stick on that, to never mind what the end actually brings. I wish for the good health of my family and everyone dear to me. I wish for a strong heart to accept what is inevitable, and the things that seem to be impossible. I wish for honest leaders to bravely rule the country, one day. I wish that poverty will be eradicated and I will no longer see hungry children wandering on the streets. I wish for more gentle souls to touch the hopeless ones. I wish for peace. For love and prosperity. I don't wish for you to stay on my side. The only thing I want is for you to live an entirely beautiful life, to be where you want to be. Lastly, I wish to be happy. That is the wish I make at 11:11.

Silence is an answer

I never heard silence quite this loud.


The silence I'm talking about, it screams and pierces like a substance so fatal I could hardly breathe. But someone once told me, that silence holds the most powerful words. How could that be? When all you could do is to wait and wait for what these words could possibly hold, how these words could possibly change your life forever. If some people died at the middle of the sentence, well I, I died at the beginning of your silence.